Your Triggers - Understanding You Better

Building Self-Awareness

We all have triggers. When you get frustrated, angry or upset with others or yourself, you have generally been triggered.

When that happens, we become a less thoughtful and adaptable leader. We are being driven by our emotions and the survival part of our brain, rather than our thinking brain.

Let me start by saying that our emotions aren’t bad, they let us know whether things are working for us or not. Part of being an adaptable leader is to learn the messages your emotions are sharing with you.

Part of building your adaptability quotient (AQ) and your emotional intelligence (EQ) is to develop your self-knowledge. One way to do this is to understand your triggers.

Robin Sharma asks the question ‘What people, places and pursuits (activities) trigger you?’ This is a good question to reflect on. After all you can’t change, what you are unaware of.

Start with a pen and paper and make a list of all the people, places and pursuits that tend to trigger you. Then take some time to reflect why you are triggered.

In my coaching training I learned that our triggers were often a need or want that currently wasn’t being met. When you look to your triggers, ask yourself, ‘What is the need or want that currently isn’t being met in this instance?’

Let me give you an example that might help.

Sometimes my husband and I have ‘discussions’ about the way the toothpaste is squeezed, or the clothes left on the floor. While it is easy to focus on the toothpaste tube or clothes on the floor, the underlying need is to feel appreciated or respected.

Without knowing that the ‘discussion’ will generally focus on what the other person did or didn’t do and becomes a ‘he said, she said’ type of discussion.

When we focus on underlying need or want the discussion is very different. The focus is on recognising the impact of the action we have taken on the other person or how it has impacted us and work out better strategies moving forward.

For example, if it is me who is leaving clothes that my husband has folded up in a pile on the floor, I could apologise and say something like, ‘I am sorry. I know how much effort it takes you to fold up my clothes. It might seem like I don’t appreciate what you do. I do really appreciate what you do. I will work harder to put those close away in future.’

If I am being triggered by the actions of another person, I can explore why I have been triggered and then let them know the impact they are having on me.

To do this well I first need to calm down and then to share the impact they are having on me. I find it helpful to assume that they are not aware of the impact they are having and that it isn’t their intention. That way I can go into the conversation curious about their perspective and intention.

You will be triggered. When you get to know yourself and what triggers you, that allows you to show up more centred and curious, rather than reactive. This helps you to be more adaptable and more effective. It also has the added benefit of making your life more peaceful and calm.

Why not start today, explore the people, places and pursuits that trigger you, work out why and come up with strategies to show up calm and curious. You will make a more positive impact on yourself and those around you.